i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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