my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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