i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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