My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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