I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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