I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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