While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
