I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
