he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
