i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
