She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
