my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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