I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
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