My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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