Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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