No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
