I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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