I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
