Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
