She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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