Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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