Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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