I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
