either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
