That's intense
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
