he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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