i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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