my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
