Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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