my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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