Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
