someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
