Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
