omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
