I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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