It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
