Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
