ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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