you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
