he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
