I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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