Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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