Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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