i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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