Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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