When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
