tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
