She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
