I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
