dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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